Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
