sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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