just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
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Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
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So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker