I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..