Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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