we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
