shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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