Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
