I puked a lego.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
