so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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