i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
