just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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