Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
