The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he was CRYING into my vagina
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
