Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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