It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
