So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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