I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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