Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
