just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I have demons in me.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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