Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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