i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate