Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Randomize
