Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
