As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
