You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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