onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Vodka?
Forever.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
