i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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