not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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