guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
