she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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