He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
