If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
