im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
