Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I queefed so loud it echoed.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
