So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
