the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
