tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
