FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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