Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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