I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
