I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
