why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
