please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
