He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
