Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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