I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
