Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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