I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
