tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
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My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
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Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Couch. On fire.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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