this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
