I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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