the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
