Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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