So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
