do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize