JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
