yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
