Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
