Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
