her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
