It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
