I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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